blogged for a while, but since I should be writing an essay that’s due in less than six hours, I figured now would be a good time. 
I had an awful day, but not because it was Valentines day. Because I didn’t even really have time to think it was valentines day. I promised people i’d hang out with them, but had to cancel due to work. then at work I did absolutely nothing productive, because recruiting, no one came to my table. They were attracted to the flashy lights and colors of the other tables. yay working for a poor place! not. I was pissed. plus, my boss told me the wrong times to be there. so I was there for an extra two hours. And i have a giant essay to write.

On the plus side, I got to go to a good church service, but I can tell you I won’t be going back to that specific church again.

Happy belated day of love! ♥  

The day after Christmas, my best friend and I got into a fight. He found out I had told our other friend all about my feelings for someone, but hadn’t told him. He wouldn’t understand that I had my reasons for not telling him, and he wouldn’t let it go. 

I tried and tried the whole way home to get him to understand, but when he dropped me off at my house, he didn’t even say goodbye. For almost a month we went without speaking. I tried to call him and apologize, but he wouldn’t hear it. and he still won’t, without a reason on why i didn’t tell him. 

He says we have trust issues that he needs to work though, before we can go back to the way we were. But that’s not what I thought the case was at all, until now. 

I didn’t want to tell him about my feelings for this person, and being stuck in the friend zone, because my feelings were for him, and I didn’t want to risk our friendship to change, because he means the world to me. He’s everything I have, and the only person I can count on in life. I love him more than I can even describe, and I have for years now. But to tell him that, is more difficult than anything I’ve ever done. I can’t loose him, and I fear this will make him run away, but than I realized something. 

He’s always been telling me he’s not going anywhere, he’s not like the rest of the people in my life, and that I can trust him, and I thought I did. Until now. I was afraid this would make him go away- I was afraid I couldn’t trust that he’d keep his promise. 

I am to the point now that I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust someone 100%. I’ve been hurt by my friends, by ex-boyfriends, and worst of all, by my own family. He hasn’t hurt me ever before, but I can’t seem to risk it, to put my trust in. 

Maybe, he’s not the right guy, maybe he is. But regardless, he’s my best friend, and he’s always going to be, no matter what other guys come and go from my life. 

I just wish I could get myself to tell him all of this. 

I love photography. Things like this take so much more effort than just snapping a picture on your kodak camera. 

After high school, we’re all given new starts. We can do almost anything we want. Some of us choose to run away without looking back, some of us choose to add a mix of both old and new, and some of us stay right where we were, not even thinking about the future. Then there are still some more people, like me, and I don’t know what to do. I think they want to go to the other side of the country, start completely fresh, but I don’t know how to just leave everything I’ve ever known. I try to add a mix of the old and new, as sort of a stepping stone, but I can’t seem figure out how to balance both, and at the same time all I want to do is go home and never leave.

                You see, my confusion comes from being scared. No, that’s not the right word. It comes from being terrified. Throughout our entire lives we’ve had plans laid out in front of us, we’ve gone to the schools we’ve been told to, taken the classes we had to in order to graduate, and ultimately, we’ve hung out with the people that had similar interests as us. My terror comes from the fact that for once, my life is my own. I don’t have to take what people tell me to. If I don’t like someone, I don’t have to spend time with them. My life has been planned up until now, but that doesn’t mean it was easy. That’s where running away comes from. The past continues to haunt me, even at a college of 60,000 people. Running into people that hurt you back in high school is inevitable. People tell you to just move on, but it’s hard to do that when you’re reminded of the pain you went through day after day. Some nights I sit there and wonder what it would be like to just start all over again. Then another fear kicks in- the fear of starting with nothing. Where I am now has been easy. Within driving distance from home, and my “new” friends, are actually people that I’ve known forever, just never talked to. It’s comfortable, but at the same time, you feel like you don’t have room to grow with all these people you’ve known for six plus years around. Comfort is something that is easy to cling to. It’s why the entirety of me just wants to go home, and never come back to my dorm. I want to sleep in my bed, with my mom just down the hallway. I want to keep my old job, that was safe, and secure. But I am afraid if I follow that path, even if it’s for a short time, people will think poorly of me for not moving on. 

Everyone I talk to keeps telling me my life will turn out okay. Things that are supposed to happen will happen. One day, I’ll wake up to this fairy tale life, which is something I’ve never had. I know how unrealistic that is to even think, but I can’t help hoping and dreaming one day I’ll wake up and realize what I want to do with my life. I wish on every single freaking star at night, that the guy I love will wake up and realize I’m more than his best friend. 

I think what scares me more that anything I’ve said in this letter, is the fact that for once in my life, nothing is going wrong. I have friends that care about me, I have a broken family that has come back together, stronger than anything, and most of all, some days I actually think I could be happy. But, through all of this, while nothing is going wrong, I don’t feel like I’m actually going anywhere. I can’t see past the end of the quarter. I have no idea where I’m going. It’s like diving into and ocean, and you have to trust that yourself to swim back to land. 

I don’t think I’m ready for that. 

Inspiration. 

Everyone has problems. I get it. Some people have what I like to refer to as “first world problems” and some people are actually wondering when there next meal will be. 

Luckily, as a young adult in America, my problems are mostly what you would classify as first world problems, but at the same time, they’re my problems. 

I go to a great college. For my security, I won’t tell everyone what school I’m at, but I can tell you I love it here. Yes, I have friends. I am not that lonely girl who sits in her dorm room all day and only comes out for class and fire drills. But sometimes I feel like being that girl (Who doesn’t). I think of myself as an everyday college freshman. I don’t drink, I do my best, but I mess up sometimes. 

The point of this blog is to speak up for myself, which is not something I would do in everyday life. The title is “I Need A Hero” because I like the newest version of that song (the acoustic one from the new footloose), and because I feel like screaming that out at the top of my lungs in the middle of campus on a regular basis. 

I have yet to decide what type of challenge I’m going to start out with, but I’m going to start this blog out with some sort of challenge. That’s to come later though. 

It’s two am, and I am here because I can’t sleep, but I am going to try again, as I have class in the morning. 

Goodnight world.